October has been challenging.
I've not really been myself since I moved to the new apartment, and that in itself is not really surprising.
But I'm settled in now, and the cyclical madness at work is beginning to subside, so theoretically I should be feeling better, shouldn't I? But I'm not, and I am even becoming un-okay in new and creative ways. What's with that?
Then it hit me today that I am not doing something new and crazy, but rather something old and familiar. If you've looked at the calendar, you might even have known this before I did.
Dan's birthday is Monday. The anniversay of his death is Halloween night. And even though I am feeling it more manageably this year and beginning the dread later in the month than in the past, it's here. It just snuck up on me. I suppose that is good. It is certainly better than the years where I watched it coming for more than a month, growing increasingly desperate that Dan was going to die all over again and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I'm grateful that it is no longer so toxically potent in my mind, and that I no longer become so unhinged and despairing.
So, I'm going to try to cut myself a little slack for feeling crappy, and for being antisocial. I'm going to try to realize that just because I feel awful, that doesn't necessarily mean there is a reason for it that I can act on. Sometimes it is just the time of year when I feel sad and alone, and it is okay to feel sad and alone, and there is no need to seek a cause for it in the people and activities and other components of my present life.
It's one of the seasons of me, and understanding that, I'm just going to try not to find people and things in my life to blame for my sorrow. Time passes, and so will this.
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